A long, long time ago, roundabout the time of my entry, I wrote that I was waiting for the day when DW would finally tell me to kneel. A few nights after that… perhaps a week… he held me close and told me that it seemed I was always waiting for him to take something from me. He told me this as he held me, yet refused to take my body as I clearly wanted him to. He told me that I wanted him to take, but hadn’t learned yet how to offer.
DW seems to have become taken with teaching me lessons through sex.
I have to say that it was not a perfect lesson. It was not a perfect lesson because it was, in its own way, contrary to the way that we have sex. I can initiate, but the one who decides when the actual sex happens is nearly always him. I might push for it sometimes, try to push my body down on his, but more often than not he’ll smile and hold me off until he decides it’s time. And so I have learned to wait for him. In this regard, I rely somewhat on him doing the taking. On the opposite side of the coin, the offer I was making to him at the time was unmistakable, and I told him so, but he looked at me and told me that he was using it to illustrate.
I wanted him to make me kneel. For a set of partners who are only in it for that one scene, for the thirty minutes or hour or two hours that make up the power exchange, the command is limited. The command lasts as long as the scene, and if the one on his or her knees decides they don’t like it all that much, they don’t have to do it again. What DW was suggesting to me is that, the way our particular dynamic works, I wouldn’t necessarily have the option of shaking off a command or an expectation once it was put on me. If he made this command for me to kneel, and I decided that it didn’t agree with me, I couldn’t just shake it off and be done with it once the hour was up.
I need to make an admission here that I still don’t fully understand what he was telling me, and that even now as I recount it I might be interpreting it incorrectly. But the gist of it is there: that I expect him to take, but I do not offer. And when you get down to it, I don’t know how to offer. Not really. I don’t know how to make an offer that doesn’t come across as implying that I am telling my dominant to do something. Saying to him, “I want you to do this,” sounds demanding to me. Sometimes I tell him something I would like to do, and he files it away in his brain for whatever time he’s good and ready to do it. Perhaps this is that I should be doing. But even that feels more like a request than an offer, and so I become stuck again with this idea of what exactly an offer is in a BDSM context. How is one meant to approach an offer? How is one meant to indicate wanting something without asking for it?
In a way, I prefer it when DW takes things from me. He knows, at least to a certain extent, what he can take, and he has not yet crossed any lines or boundaries when taking from me. Twice in the span of a week he has woken me with sex, once in the morning, once in the middle of the night. No discussion, no invitation, no words. His body claiming mine, taking his pleasure from me. Taking. There is a certain comfort in this for me, though I couldn’t really tell you why. I don’t entirely understand it myself. There is comfort in the moments when he interrupts my reading by taking the small flogger on the wall to my inner thighs, in a morning when he decides to roll me over and tease me with a vibrator before heading off to work. These are things which come without invitation, but which I always enjoy and which always make me feel loved. But when I request, when I say that there is something that I want… I never know when or if I will get it. If I say that I want to be tied, that I want to be collared, that I want to do a scene… will they ever come to pass? This is something that I can’t know. Have no way of knowing. When something is taken, it is a moment which comes without expectations. And, in its own way, it is a moment which comes unaccompanied by waiting. He says that I wait for something to be taken, but whenever he has taken something it has not been anything that I could have tangibly said I was waiting for. Events that appear when I am not looking for them.
If I request… if indeed I learn how to properly offer… I am looking. I am putting a name to something that I am waiting for. I offer my neck for the collar without knowing if or when he will take up the offer.
Take up the offer.
Take.
[Edit: DW just did a really good post about what he means by offering vs. taking... reading through it helped me a lot with some of the things I wasn't clear on as I was writing this, so I encourage you to check it out over at http://deepthoughtsandjournies.blogspot.com/2010/08/thoughts-on-control-and-submission.html.]
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