Kai (un)Restrained

Tonight I got stuck trying to define "playing." It went something to the effect of me telling DW I had really wanted to play this weekend--it was approaching the later end for such things, given that it's a work night--and he looked at me and asked, "What would you call earlier, then?"

Earlier. Earlier had been him biting and teasing me. Earlier had been him saying we had to go to the store, then changing his mind by way of rolling me over onto my back and pulling my pants off, burying his face between my legs. Earlier was him pinning my hands out at arm's length so that I couldn't pull away or cover my face or scratch at his arms when it got too intense for me to keep still. He kept me pinned when I thought I would cry. Took me to where I thought I would die... and kept going. The bed has anchor points for rope embedded in it, solid metal rings mounted on the frame. But we didn't use them... his hands were more than sufficient.

He has told me on occasion that one of his favorite things is watching me squirm. And he knows how to make me do that, without fail. Squirm, thrash, scream.... these things, I have no control over.

Earlier was allowing me brief recovery time before bending me over the bed and taking me, just before we left the apartment to get things for dinner.

Earlier... was something that I classified more as sex than play until he asked me how I would define it.

I tried to explain that, to me, "playing" has always involved doing a scene, so my definition defaults to scene-ing.

"Oh, so you want me to formalize it."

This, in short order, turned into me declaring that human beings do not prove ownership of a thing by licking it until it smells like them, and him disagreeing by way of very decisively licking my face.

This is another example, I think, of the bleed between the kink and the "normal." Certainly, most of the components of what we did would just as easily fit into vanilla sex. Going down on a girl isn't kinky, nor is bent-over-the-bed sex. But... add the other things, add the context, and something about what it is changes. Add his total control over what I felt. Add his hands pinning my wrists down. Add his direction of the situation, his maintaining his hold over me, the simple fact that I am his submissive. What it comes down to is that earlier could very easily be thought of as play, even without having a "formal" scene attached. And this is not something that I am very quick to realize. I wonder if other people ever experience this sort of disconnect.

In the end, though, I still very much look forward to the next time he collars me... and to the day when he finally tells me to kneel.