Kai Needs to Vent

Yesterday, I did something extremely awkward: I came across the blog of one of DW's former submissives. And, believe it or not, this is the second time I have done this. In both cases, the intent wasn't to snoop or to pry into other people's business; it was more about seeing a name that I recognized or someone that I otherwise knew to be friends with DW, and subsequently clicking on a link because, hey, public blog.

This is how I came to the conclusion that on some days, the internet is really not my friend.

The first time, which happened the better part of a year ago, wasn't a very big deal. Yes, it was a former submissive who was still not at all over him. Yes, it was a person who had trouble dealing with the idea of him having another prospect, and who was trying to get him back while he was actively considering dating me. (I suppose it's important to note that while he and I were pretty committed to being together by that point, it was still long-distance and experimental, and therefore not official.) But the only thing that I actually took issue with was the fact that she still labeled herself online as being owned by him. My main concern that I expressed to him was that I didn't want to have to pretend to share him with someone he wasn't involved with anymore, we discussed it, he talked with her... and the problem was resolved.

This second time was a little different. Because if there's one thing you don't want to see as somebody's girlfriend and/or submissive, it's indications that somebody else has been actively thinking of herself as belonging to your boyfriend and/or Dominant. I'm trying to figure out how to talk about this without being specific, but basically this person made it sound like DW condoned her continuing to act like/talk like his submissive, as well as making it sound like they were playing on the weekend days that he spends with her every now and again. Assertions that she's willing to wait it out until the day they can be together again... that's not so different from Case #1. What's different is seeing indications that this person was willing to actively try to maintain a D/s dynamic with my boyfriend/Dominant WHILE I WAS LIVING WITH HIM.

Obviously, I was upset. What was I supposed to think, seeing these interactions framed as attempts to hold onto the man I've been living with for months? And making it look like he was okay with parts of it, no less. I texted him at work and asked if he was aware of this, and we ended up having a good long talk about it. I was a mess about it for a couple of hours, though. And... it wasn't the general theme of the situation that sucked. It was the specifics.

The really cool thing about blogs is that you get to say whatever you want on them without telling anybody who you are. I think it's awesome for people to have them. I think they're great tools for thinking and examining and venting. But you know... when you've got a public blog and you're writing about specific conversations and interactions with somebody else's SO, I feel like there's some sort of line being crossed. I completely understand not wanting to let go of someone. I nursed a borderline obsessive crush on someone for something like two years, long past the time when I knew that nothing would ever really happen between us, and everyone knew about it. These things happen. We're all people. If all you're doing is talking about how much you miss someone and you wish you were with them etc. and so forth, I get it. It's okay. My problem in the first case was with somebody who was still basically telling people (or at least telling the internet) that DW was still her owner. My problem in the second case was seeing that as of a couple of months ago, somebody (who I've been making an effort to be friends with, incidentally) was somewhat actively trying to maintain a dynamic with my boyfriend that was inappropriate.

And the thing is... at least in Case #2, there honestly isn't any reason for her to not write about that stuff. It's her space. It's her blog. But damnit, it hurt. It made me worry about the safety of my relationship, even though DW has never ever given me a reason not to trust him. But again, it's her space, and there was no reason to expect that I'd see it.

So then we come to another way to look at it: Don't try to maintain inappropriate dynamics with somebody else's SO in the first place.

These are two lessons here that I think can be readily applied to ANYONE who has ever gone through or will ever go through separating from a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a submissive, a Dominant: 1) If they've established a relationship with somebody else, have the grace to respect that fact, and 2) Be aware that if you post something publicly, somebody involved in the situation could very well find it.

And you know... this blog right here? It's public. It's probably not even more difficult to come across than either of the ones I did. So maybe this gets found. Maybe I even take some shit for it. But at the end of the day... this is my venting space.

Maybe Lesson #3 is "Stop clicking links on the internet." >_>

Kai's Journal of Conversational Etiquette

I've been thinking on and off about the appropriateness of asking people about their sex lives. I'm not exactly talking about random people, and I'm not exactly talking about close friends. I'm talking about those people who you've met and talked to before, who you haven't established close ties with, and yet who suddenly jump at you with details about their (and questions/assumptions about your) sex life at the earliest opportunity.

Now, this topic isn't intrinsically kinky; it's something that I'm sure tons of vanilla people end up having to put up with, too. But the situation that *I* was recently involved in was a bit on the kinky side, which is why I figure it can go here.

When I brought this up as a potential entry to DW an hour or so ago, I initially said that while there were some situations in which I was okay talking about my kinks and sexual preferences right off the bat, there were many others wherein I wasn't. He then challenged me to come up with any instances at all in which I'd felt early discussion about such topics was comfortable and acceptable, and I realized that the only ones I could come up with were ones in which it was context-appropriate. For example, I met some good friends of mine through the kink club at my college, and therefore some of the first things I knew about them had to do with things they liked to do in the bedroom. And that was cool, because we were at a meeting for a group that was designed for those sorts of conversations. Similarly, things like invitations to kink events from random people while hanging out at a bar are totally acceptable, because they're not personal. And if a conversation starts out of it... well, there was an evident catalyst, so it's probably all right.

However, if someone who you aren't close to asks out of the blue for advice related to specific sexual situations, it comes off as random at best and creepy at worst. That's the scale for me, at least. And the funny thing is, when I encountered this situation and finally asked the person I was talking to why they thought it was a good idea to ask these things of me, they replied that since we had a mutual friend who was kinky, it was a good bet that I was kinky, too.

Now, this generates a couple of problems. The first problem is that "kinky" is an extremely broad term. Someone who likes getting tied up in bed might not be crazy about humiliation play; someone who likes wax play might be averse to pony play; someone who likes rape play might really hate flogging.... and so on and so forth. Kink is a HUGE category, filled with so many sub-categories that even now I'm coming across kinks and fetishes that I never knew existed. So, even assuming that I *am* kinky, I might very well not be into the same stuff that friend X is into.

This brings me to the second problem, i.e. the fact that I might *not* be kinky at all. If your decision to talk to somebody about your unconventional sex life is based entirely on the fact that you share a "kinky" friend, and said friend usually hangs out with people with similar tastes, you're kind of taking a risk. Although communities do tend to form around common interests, kinks don't exclusively hang out with kinks and vanillas don't exclusively hang out with vanillas. For that matter, as per the previous point, pony play aficionados don't exclusively hang out with other pony play aficionados, etc. etc. etc. So really, it's in your best interest to feel out the situation first and try to gauge whether or not your conversation partner is even interested in talking about sex-related things in the first place; even if they are in fact kinky, they might not want to talk to you about it.

Actually, that last sentence up there is sort of a problem #3. Because, when you get down to it, even if you are in fact talking with someone whose sex-life is outside what is considered "normal," there's no guarantee that they want to share details of that with you (or, for that matter, hear details about yours). Some people are very selective about who they talk to about their preferences, and they probably don't appreciate being pressed for details (e.g. "Do you belong to this kink website?" "Do you know where I can find people who are into X?" "What do you think about Y?"). Likewise, they might not be ready for a conversation beginning with, "I'm really into such-and-so and I can't find anyone else who is."

Again, this all mostly applies to people who aren't close, personal friends, but it can also be applied to situations where maybe you're close friends, but not necessarily the type of friends who talk openly about personal sexual practices. I guess what it all comes down to is: Don't throw this sort of thing at someone who hasn't expressed interest in talking about it. If they're dodging all of your questions or flat-out refusing to answer, chances are they're not comfortable with the conversation.