Kai's Journal of Conversational Etiquette

I've been thinking on and off about the appropriateness of asking people about their sex lives. I'm not exactly talking about random people, and I'm not exactly talking about close friends. I'm talking about those people who you've met and talked to before, who you haven't established close ties with, and yet who suddenly jump at you with details about their (and questions/assumptions about your) sex life at the earliest opportunity.

Now, this topic isn't intrinsically kinky; it's something that I'm sure tons of vanilla people end up having to put up with, too. But the situation that *I* was recently involved in was a bit on the kinky side, which is why I figure it can go here.

When I brought this up as a potential entry to DW an hour or so ago, I initially said that while there were some situations in which I was okay talking about my kinks and sexual preferences right off the bat, there were many others wherein I wasn't. He then challenged me to come up with any instances at all in which I'd felt early discussion about such topics was comfortable and acceptable, and I realized that the only ones I could come up with were ones in which it was context-appropriate. For example, I met some good friends of mine through the kink club at my college, and therefore some of the first things I knew about them had to do with things they liked to do in the bedroom. And that was cool, because we were at a meeting for a group that was designed for those sorts of conversations. Similarly, things like invitations to kink events from random people while hanging out at a bar are totally acceptable, because they're not personal. And if a conversation starts out of it... well, there was an evident catalyst, so it's probably all right.

However, if someone who you aren't close to asks out of the blue for advice related to specific sexual situations, it comes off as random at best and creepy at worst. That's the scale for me, at least. And the funny thing is, when I encountered this situation and finally asked the person I was talking to why they thought it was a good idea to ask these things of me, they replied that since we had a mutual friend who was kinky, it was a good bet that I was kinky, too.

Now, this generates a couple of problems. The first problem is that "kinky" is an extremely broad term. Someone who likes getting tied up in bed might not be crazy about humiliation play; someone who likes wax play might be averse to pony play; someone who likes rape play might really hate flogging.... and so on and so forth. Kink is a HUGE category, filled with so many sub-categories that even now I'm coming across kinks and fetishes that I never knew existed. So, even assuming that I *am* kinky, I might very well not be into the same stuff that friend X is into.

This brings me to the second problem, i.e. the fact that I might *not* be kinky at all. If your decision to talk to somebody about your unconventional sex life is based entirely on the fact that you share a "kinky" friend, and said friend usually hangs out with people with similar tastes, you're kind of taking a risk. Although communities do tend to form around common interests, kinks don't exclusively hang out with kinks and vanillas don't exclusively hang out with vanillas. For that matter, as per the previous point, pony play aficionados don't exclusively hang out with other pony play aficionados, etc. etc. etc. So really, it's in your best interest to feel out the situation first and try to gauge whether or not your conversation partner is even interested in talking about sex-related things in the first place; even if they are in fact kinky, they might not want to talk to you about it.

Actually, that last sentence up there is sort of a problem #3. Because, when you get down to it, even if you are in fact talking with someone whose sex-life is outside what is considered "normal," there's no guarantee that they want to share details of that with you (or, for that matter, hear details about yours). Some people are very selective about who they talk to about their preferences, and they probably don't appreciate being pressed for details (e.g. "Do you belong to this kink website?" "Do you know where I can find people who are into X?" "What do you think about Y?"). Likewise, they might not be ready for a conversation beginning with, "I'm really into such-and-so and I can't find anyone else who is."

Again, this all mostly applies to people who aren't close, personal friends, but it can also be applied to situations where maybe you're close friends, but not necessarily the type of friends who talk openly about personal sexual practices. I guess what it all comes down to is: Don't throw this sort of thing at someone who hasn't expressed interest in talking about it. If they're dodging all of your questions or flat-out refusing to answer, chances are they're not comfortable with the conversation.