Kai10寿司 (kaiten-zushi)

A little while back, I joined an online kink/fetish community. I did so in large part because I have never been part of one, and I wanted to experience an outlet into the wider population of the kink world. DW has had experiences with online communities in the past and has more or less given of on them and put them behind him, but he had no problem with me putting myself out there and checking the scene out for myself.

Thus far, the community has proven to have the same sorts of pros and cons as any community. I love the debate, the variety of viewpoints, the range of subjects to read about… It’s really nice to be able to see what other people think about in the realm of kink. You get the types who have the sort of “my way or the highway” mentality about how BDSM is supposed to work, those who make a point of acknowledging that everyone’s views on/experiences with the “lifestyle” are different, those who are covert with their presences, those who unabashedly porn it up… Just so many people, so many different ways of thinking, so many things that poking around there makes me think about. It’s not quite tantamount to real-life exposure, but it’s something that I’m glad I have access to.

One of the things that I have noticed around there is the prevalence of polyamorous relationships. I had some friends in college who went that route, and others who just went for the “open relationship” model, and out of them I couldn’t have pinpointed many that seemed like they worked. That’s not meant to be a commentary on whether or not polyamory is a good idea… it’s just my personal observation of how it was when I was in school. At any rate, I suppose I was surprised at how many instances of it I saw online, almost like it was the trendy thing in the scene at the time. I have very little idea as to whether or not that’s true, though I would venture to say that there are people who are in legit poly relationships because that’s what does it for them, and those who do it because it seems like what all the “cool kids” are doing. (I mentally compare this a bit to people who are bisexual vs. those who try to be or say they are bisexual because, let’s face it… it did become trendy at some point.)

I further noticed, even before it actually became a discussion topic on a couple of the boards, that there were people on both the polyamorous and monogamous sides of things who seemed to feel very much like their way was “better” than the other. There would be monogamists who argued moral superiority, polyamorists who argued that embracing a wider view made them more evolved, and then everyone in the middle with their many and varied opinions ranging the entire spectrum. At one point, a debate surfaced regarding the possible existence of submissives who agreed to polyamorous relationships simply because if they did not, their Dominants would sleep around anyway… and then lie about it. It was a fascinating discussion, and it made me examine my own feelings on the issue.

Now, it is not my intent here to critique other people’s opinions about whether polyamory is awesome, evil, or whatever else have you. These are just my thoughts about something that I had not, in all honesty, given much thought to before.

• As far as I’m aware, polyamory is a term describing the ability to love more than one person. Also, I was advised way back in the day—courtesy of the kink club I belonged to in college—that in a polyamorous relationship (as opposed to an “open relationship”) all partners should be aware of each other and accept one another as part of the relationship. One friend of mine at the time was quite vocally against what she termed L-shaped relationships, where one person is in a relationship with the other two, but those two have no relationship to each other. I have a feeling that, although I’m sure exceptions exist, an L-shaped relationship—full disclosure or not—would be a large-scale communication mistake waiting to happen.
• Based on the aforementioned definition of what a polyamorous relationship should be, such a relationship should never be used as an excuse or a reason to sleep around. Unless you’re informing your main partner(s) of everyone else you’re having sex with and get their approval, that’s really not a polyamorous relationship. That’s just… well, sleeping around. Or an open relationship, depending on what you and your partner’s parameters are.
• I dislike the idea of a Dominant setting down a ground-rule that, while he or she is allowed to have multiple partners, his or her submissive(s) is/are not. If it comes out of mutual agreement, that’s cool… I can shelve it under the “Your Kink is Not My Kink” heading. But if it’s a demand with no room for debate, I find it kind of tweaky.
• I don’t think that men specifically have more of a “need” to be polyamorous or have multiple sexual partners. Sure, back in the good old days of early humanity the pride of lions model (i.e. one male in charge of many females) was practical and necessary, but modern man (with all of his evolved higher intelligence and social awareness) shouldn’t be allowed to use his genetic ancestry as an excuse. Again, if both primary partners agree that he’s allowed to sleep around, fine, but I don’t really buy into the “But I have to sleep with lots of women because that’s what men are built to do!” defense. It’s kind of like saying, “But I have to be pregnant all the time because that’s what women are built to do!”
• I believe that polyamory can actually work quite well if everyone involved communicates and knows what’s going on. It can’t work, though, if anyone in the relationship isn’t actually poly. It’s like telling everyone you’re a bisexual female until you realize that, try as you might, you’re just not sexually attracted to that girl you’re hooking up with. I suppose the point here is that if you don’t think you’re actually wired for poly, don’t try to convince yourself that you are… you’ll most likely just end up getting hurt, and hurting other people as well.
• Polyamory… is just not for me. I know that I can be attracted to more than one person at a time, but that’s not about love and it’s not about choosing a partner. Do I think that the monogamous route is “better”? No: the “better” configuration is whichever one works best for the person/people in the relationship. I’m quite content with a single partner who has no other partners besides me.
• I don’t think being monogamous means you’re never allowed to have a threesome or do a scene with another play partner. I don’t know how I would handle either of these things—though I try hard not to be, I know I can get jealous—but unless you’re in a relationship with that third person or that play partner I’m pretty sure you can still call yourself monogamous.
• I don’t think that poly is a necessity where kink is concerned. You don’t have to do it just because “everybody else” is.

This has become quite long-winded, so I think it’s time to close it out. In short, polyamory is not for me. It’s really not about who’s right, who’s more evolved, who’s kinkier, or whatever else have you. It’s a preference and a lifestyle… and it honestly just shouldn’t be used as an excuse to have sex with everyone.

As always, comments are welcome.