Kai Wears Her Concerned Face

I've been thinking a lot today about face-slapping. This is not typically something I think about; it isn't something that I enjoy, and for me it has never been incorporated into S/M play. It also isn't safe... which I guess is why it's been on my mind.

DW did a post on safety a couple of days ago. He talked about the ideas of "Safe, Sane, and Consensual," edge play, and calculated risk, pointing out that everything in BDSM is a calculated risk and therefore not intrinsically safe... no matter how careful you are when you go about it. There are tiny points on this wherein our opinions differ: I don't take issue with the SSC slogan, since I'm all for using one's own personal interpretation of what those words mean rather than some generalized set of standards; and I don't consider everything in BDSM to be risky, since individual elements of sensation play are virtually harmless. But these are really small points that are largely semantic, and for the most part we are in agreement about what "safety" in a BDSM relationship really means.

So... there's this idea of calculated risk, and the accompanying idea of knowing exactly what you're doing with your partner. This is especially important for Dominants, as they will usually be the ones doing the striking, binding, restraining, torturing, and what have you. The one time I played with an inexperienced Domme where striking was involved, she made a mistake in her aim and I caught some wraparound on my collarbone from the ends of a horse-hair flogger. There are worse things that can happen, and wraparound can still happen even with experienced Dominants. At the end of the day, you can't avoid all accidents, but you can at least be prepared for them. But even this Domme, who had topped very few people before me (if any... I can't precisely recall), knew about generally accepted "safe" zones for striking, as well as the no-go areas; her aim might have failed her on that occasion, but it wasn't out of ignorance... just inexperience.

Which brings me to a trend that I've been finding in the online community. It seems to me that I've been reading a ton of posts and accounts by submissives (usually female, but not exclusively) who talk about (and often enjoy) their Dominants slapping them in the face as a punishment or mode of humiliation. I really don't like to judge the way other people choose to conduct themselves within a BDSM context; different people like to play different ways, have different rules, set different parameters. I understand this. But there are also some things that carry more risk than can really be contained in that "calculated risk" category. A few days ago, DW outlined for me all of the locations on and around the face that are dangerous to strike, and why. It takes so little pressure in the right (or wrong) locations to dislocate the jaw, cause damage the eye and the eye socket, cause damage to the skull... cause death, even. I have my doubts that Dominants who routinely utilize face-slapping take the time to aim their blows in a way that specifically avoids these areas, and I imagine that it would be difficult to completely avoid striking your partner at the hinge of the jaw or under the eye socket. The temple is easier to avoid, but like I said earlier... mistakes happen.

Now, obviously these are not things that happen every time a Dominant hits their submissive in the face. If they were, there would probably be a lot more dead/injured submissives and a lot fewer couples utilizing this as a component of play. But... my Dominant has touched my face to show me the ways in which slapping a person there can hurt them. He has told me all of the risks involved, and knowing those risks I don't think I could ever consent to somebody striking me that way. Those risks, to me, are beyond "calculated."

In the end, I hope that the couples who practice this know these risks. I hope that they know them and consent to them, within whatever definition of "safe" they have agreed upon. If they have at least done that, I can more or less comfortably turn away and put it in the category of, "That's fine for you, but it's not my thing." If they haven't, though, I can't help feeling like somebody's going to end up getting hurt because they don't understand all the ways in which that could happen.

I feel very lucky to have a partner who is aware of these things. I think that I am much safer for it.