Kai Can't Guard the Chicken Coop... partly because no chickens

I want to apologize for the abrupt stretch of downtime this blog has experienced... in other words, the few days that have gone by without new posts. Shortly after DW went back home, I got my act together and bought a plane ticket. We've been talking for what feels like a very long time about me coming back to live with him, but now it's actually been set and I feel like everything's moving forward again.

The way in which this relates to my lack of recent posting: A couple of days ago I was whacked upside the head with the enormity of actually moving. Not packing a suitcase to live in another country for a few years, not packing a suitcase to stay with a friend for a couple of months, but packing up a very solid portion of my belongings with the intent of being really, truly out of my parents' house. I've been On My Own for around four years (plus living at college for the four before that, whatever that's worth), most of which was spent out of the country. I've made my own money, paid all my living expenses, handled my bank accounts... all that good stuff that goes with being a Responsible Grown-Up. (At least, all the stuff that goes with it in Japan. America is apparently a bit different.) However, during all of that time, most of my things stayed put in the family home. So....... technically I've never done a full-scale Moving Out.

And it's terrifying.

It's not... cripplingly terrifying. But it's daunting and huge and a commitment. And I don't know how much stuff I should leave here and how much of the room I should pack. And I have a four day wedding to go to. And most of the jobs I applied to where DW lives turned me down.

With all of this, I just haven't been able to pull my brain around to writing here. If I can, I'll try for a new entry tonight. If not... well, I imagine the longest I'll be absent here is about a week.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Kai's Compendium of Casual Kink

A couple of posts ago, DW referred to me as a "casual kink." After reading the post, I learned that, though he stood by classifying me that way, he expected me to feel insulted by it. He didn't want me to feel insulted, but figured that I would be. So then I started thinking... why would I be insulted by it? Comparatively speaking, DW has a lot more experience in the kink scene than I do. He's had stable play partners who have lasted on the order of a few months, and tried out actual "kink relationships." And it's very true what he says: that I've had a number of play partners, none of whom did I scene with often. And, as I've said time and again, I've never integrated kink into a relationship.

So... all of these things are true. And yet, there was this idea that I would take the remark about being a "casual kink" badly. So I thought: why would that be? Granted, it's not as though I've never taken anything the wrong way before. I've been getting better over the last several years, but I'd be kidding myself if I said I'd never been affronted by something that wasn't at all meant to offend. But I think, when you get down to it, being a "casual" anything is often perceived in the spheres of the experienced as... well, not worth much. If you read a graphic novel every now and then, you'll probably still be scoffed at by your friend who has shelves of them and can recite entire comic book chronologies to you... not to mention which artists worked on it for what years and which writers were really good versus those who (in their personal opinion) ran whatever series into the ground, etc. If you read a couple of books on neuroscience and try to apply what you know, someone who actually has familiarity with it might commend the effort, but ultimately make it clear that you don't actually know what you're talking about. Go on a study abroad to Thailand and suddenly realize that even though you have now officially spent more time there than most Americans (in the case that you yourself are American... if not, insert nationality here), you've got nothing on the career expats who have been living there for the pasts 10-20 years. This applies to, basically, everything. A "casual" interest in/relationship to something carries around a certain degree of n00b status that can feel really tough to shake... even if that casual interest/relationship has been part of your life for several years.

In the case of me and kink, I personally don't feel as though I deserve n00b status. The "casual" label? Sure. After all, I haven't ever done scenes with the same partner more than twice, and I definitely haven't ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend with whom I shared any sort of kink dynamic. I'm not on any message boards, have never been to a kink club (was offered a membership once, but I didn't have a partner at the time and didn't want to go by myself), and just don't have a foothold anywhere in what could be considered "the scene," online or off. However, I feel that the level of awareness that I have regarding kink should be enough to wipe off the n00b-ness. Or... I would very much hope so. But it's just such a tricky thing, because hey... there's lots of stuff I haven't done. So perhaps at best I can say that I've more or less established myself as a casual kink, but as a non-casual kink I'm still totally n00b-tastic. Then again, if I were to stay involved with kink but never move beyond a casual relationship with the kink world, would I always carry some form of n00b status around with me? Would there be a certain level of acknowledgement that I would simply never attain? And would it really matter to me?

Superficially, I think it would. If there's something I've been doing for a few years, even if just at a surface level, I chafe at being treated like a novice. I'd rather have a reputation and image based on the things that I have done rather than the things that I haven't. Though I wasn't able to hold onto kink in my life after college, having it offered back to me as a prospect has meant a lot to me. It was like having a light switched on after a spell in the dark. Because of the place it holds for me, I know I wouldn't like it if someone more hardcore than me gave me the patronizing, "D'awwwwww, Kai's trying to be kinky... how cute!" It sort of... diminishes what I have and what I'm in the process of building for myself. Perhaps what I am trying to say is that there are some casual kinks to whom their brand of kink isn't a novelty, frivolity, or naughty experiment; rather, the casualness might result from the type of balance they wish to maintain with the rest of what makes up their life, or from personal limits, or from simply the level of interest that they have.

A relevant digression: DW once told me that he'd really like the amount of kink between us to be more than once a weekend or once every other weekend. The last time I stayed with him, I knew that I definitely wanted more than that. It was a mutual bit of misfortune that, on account of long work hours and other factors, he didn't actually feel like playing as often as I did. Hence, we only had one scene together during that time. This was sad for me, because in my mind I was rolling around to the conclusion that I'm more than a weekender. I don't know how much more, because I have not yet been offered a solid opportunity to find out. I can make every mental composite in the world, but until I have the compatible experiences I can't come to a solid conclusion. DW will sometimes ask about how much I want to give to a kink relationship, and the only real answer I can give is, well, I don't know yet because I haven't been able to see what it feels like. I know that I want to play more than once every eight weeks. I know that I like it when his dom personality comes out, even when we're not in a directly sexual context. I know that he has a voice that, when he uses it, comforts me and holds me to him. I know that sometimes I want much more than what I have had the opportunity to experience.

But for all of this rambling on the topic, I can look at my experience to date and say, "Yeah... I'm casual right now." And that's a pretty accurate statement. I'm casual right now. Maybe in some time that isn't "right now," I'll move into a different phase of it. Maybe after I've moved back in with DW we'll be able to explore more possibilities and I'll see how much farther--if at all, though I imagine it will at least be some--I want to take it. Maybe it turns out that I stay around the same level, and if this is what happens then I hope he will still keep me. Or maybe it turns out that I learn to integrate more and more D/s into my life and move closer to where he seems to be. Maybe past that.

This entire entry has been a very fancy way of saying: I don't know... but that's okay.

And if you're someone like me who doesn't totally know yet, either... it's okay for you, too.

Kai Underfoot - Addendum

My last entry inspired some interesting discussion between DW and myself, largely revolving around the safeword issue. I asked him if I could post it, since maybe there are people out there who would find it useful; it's cut down a bit to keep it all relevant and eliminate conversational detritus (like when you send texts simultaneously and momentarily miss what the other person was saying, etc.), but not edited beyond that. This is probably a good example of the types of talks we have with each other and the ways in which we agree and disagree. I like it when we get to talk through things like this, and I hope that someone finds this useful.

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DW: I agree with a lot of what you said about earning your place as a dom.

Me: ::nod:: Anything you didn’t agree with?

DW: Yes. Some made me wonder. Mostly about how you will deal with limits. Also it is a form of edge play to remove a safeword for a period of time usually very short period.

Me: Well, we talked a little about limit pushing before, but we didn’t reach any solid conclusions about it. And removing the safeword I’m not cool with.

DW: Just saying people do it and it is accepted in the lifestyle to remove one for a short period.

Me: Yeah, well. What I’m against on principle is dominants who remove it completely. For me, I don’t want to do that form of edge play.

DW: Yes I know I was just saying that it isn’t as bad as you made it seem.

Me: You don’t think the catchphrase is a little much?

DW: What catch phrase?

Me: That a sub with a safeword is a domme on her knees.

DW: Depends on how it is used honestly. Because it can be.

Me: Can be what?

DW: It can be much but it can also be really accurate.

Me: *sigh* I don’t understand how it could be accurate.

DW: A safeword is there to keep you safe and sane not to allow you control of a scene and you know that.

Me: Well… yeah. But I don’t like that there’s a tagline running around that can be used to imply that all subs will do that.

DW: Easy, if a submissive uses their safeword when they just don’t like an activity and not when they feel unsafe or when a boundary is crossed then they are being a Domme or topping through use of a safeword. Saying a safeword can be used that way is true.

Me: Can be. But again… that line encourages thought in that direction.

DW: True, and statements like that come with the mainstreaming of BDSM.

Me: How so?

DW: Ok well with mainstreaming has come a lot of mis-conceptions on BDSM

Me: ::nod::

DW: I mean there has been an influx of people that think that Doms are about controlling your partner. We have had talks in __________ about trying to flag down Doms that don't know what they are doing.

Me: I think what it comes down to is that that specific quote encourages the removal of the safeword as convention, and while individual couples may choose to do so it isn't a good thing to preach to the masses. In the scene or out.

DW: You know what though, I think the most important aspects of BDSM don't require a safeword. A safeword would never help.

Me: ::nodnod:: That's fair. I just really hate the idea of a submissive being not safe because their dominant decided that safewords were for closet tops or whatever.

DW: It is never something I would ever suggest to a starter couple or really to anyone. Once again you need to know the rules before you bend or break them.

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Many thanks to DW for letting me post this.

Kai Underfoot

I've been thinking again about what it means to be a submissive. I've been thinking about it for a couple of reasons... First, because in the last entry I wrote dealing with the subject, I spent a lot of time poking at bits of the "submissive template" that I don't subscribe to, while simultaneously not citing much in the way of aspects wherein I am in agreement; and second, because in perusing other blogs I haven't found anyone else who approaches it the way I do. I feel the need to say at the outset of this entry that it isn't my desire to criticize anyone for the way or ways in which they choose to be a submissive (or a dominant), and no offense should be taken by anyone reading this. This is just the best way I know how to talk about what I am and am not, and what I think about submission in general.

There are a couple of really prevalent patterns I've come across in the blogs I've checked out. One of them (usually in conjunction with the capitalization patterns I addressed previously) is the constant referral to "Master" (less commonly, "Mistress") and a strongly conveyed perception of that person being the center of the world. This seems like it's something of a given in BDSM couples. Master is Master and Master makes the rules and decides how the relationship is and how life is and how the couple works. Master doesn't like it when you wear clothes like that, so you don't. Master decides when and where and how the sex will be. In some cases, the submissive will give up their personal lives down to the smallest details: what they wear, what they eat, what errands they run, how they cut their hair... Some households are built on intricate sets of rules. Some submissives aren't allowed to sit on the furniture. Some submissives regularly eat out of bowls on the floor. I think I've inadvertently addressed a couple of aspects here, namely strict rule structures and the degree of power exchange exhibited in some couples. But when I say "power exchange" I'm afraid I'm being inaccurate, because what I see a lot of is submissives giving up all of their power to their partners.

DW and I talk about a lot of things together. We've talked about how much D/s we want to bring outside of our sex life, what (if any) "lifestyle rules" we might want to apply to our relationship, what our preferences and limits are, how much pain I like, and whether or not (and how hard) I would let him push my limits. While he was here, we sat down and did a BDSM checklist... for the second time. We discussed every item on it, how I rated it and why, and compared my answers to those I had given before our play relationship had even kicked off. All of this is based on exchange. I get the impression sometimes that submissives aren't "supposed" to have this sort of exchange with their partners. Like... they're supposed to just submit and trust that their dominant knows what's best for them. And, even if their dominant doesn't know what's best, they do what they're told because it is expected and demanded.

I guess, for some people, the one-sided dynamic works. I've read plenty of entries by submissives who take great pleasure and joy in serving their Masters and Mistresses and who will do anything asked of them and be glad for it. Perhaps, in a way, part of that is similar to the way I take pleasure in withstanding pain from beatings; even if you don't quite like what's being done, you like that you can take it. Or you like it because you take pleasure in pleasing your partner. I can understand this. I derive a great deal of pleasure from pleasing my dominant, and sometimes it's even better than doing things that please me. It just... feels really good, knowing that I've pleased him in some way. But, at the same time, for all that he has license to do to me and ask of me and expect from me, I don't think there is a single thing that I see as his "right." It isn't his right to force me to have sex in a way I'm not comfortable with. It isn't his right to use the violet wand on me if I tell him I'm not okay with it. It isn't his right to tell me I can't sleep in the bed. There is just what I give. This is not the same as topping from the bottom, at all. It's not about making demands on my dominant. This is about having respect for your partner. I don't believe that "my place" is under him or at his feet, but I might keep myself there sometimes because I am comfortable placing him above me. It's like an understanding that I am submissive to him because he has earned that from me, and because he has similar views I know that in a similar sense I have earned his dominance.

I read somewhere that there's a phrase making the rounds that goes something like, "A sub with a safeword is just a domme on her knees." I... can't tell you how against this I am. This isn't me being a "cranky sub." This is, again, about having respect for your partner. I don't like dominants who complain about submissives with "senses of entitlement" or whatever... because when I hear about philosophies that extol the virtues of taking the safeword away from the submissive, I feel like a certain disregard is being paid to the fact that your submissive is a person. I like to think that the majority of D/s couples talk as much as DW and I and have as much mutual respect as we do. But I feel like such an ideal is somewhat incompatible with the (prevalent?) viewpoint that the dominant has the right to do whatever he/she wants to do to their submissive, whenever they want to do it, without discussion. As long as there is an understanding that both parties want that kind of totally restrictive relationship, well, that's their call. If you're a submissive who doesn't want any say over what happens with your body, or who likes having your day fully planned out by someone else, or who very simply feels comfort in handing over all of your control to a partner who you trust, that's fine. That's a personal decision. Some submissives find this liberating. Some find it comforting. Some just need this sort of thing in their lives.

But I can't help wondering... if I put "restrictions" on my dominant because I have hard limits that can't be crossed, because I can only take a certain intensity of caning, or because there are things that just plain make me uncomfortable, would I be perceived in "the scene" as a bad submissive? If I insist on a safeword, am I not "hardcore" enough? Does that mean that I don't trust my partner? Am I "out of line" because my dominant and I have conversations about our desires and limits as equals? I am starting to feel like maybe some people would say so. I think that some people's vision of "a submissive" is that type that will kneel without question and do whatever is demanded of him/her, without discussion (DW described this type pretty well a few entries back). See... I belong to DW. What I mean by that is a little bit difficult to qualify, but the statement itself feels very true to me. And, though I say he doesn't have "rights" with me, he has acquired privileges that won't go away unless our relationship dissolves. The fact that I call it a "privilege" doesn't mean I'm trying to sneak-domme him or tell him what to do. It just means that I chose him to be my dominant, and if he were to do something to violate my trust in him he wouldn't be entitled to anything from me just from his say-so. In the same way, the trust I have in him doesn't mean that I would feel 100% safe if he said I couldn't have a safeword anymore. I am not a domme on my knees... I am a submissive who has boundaries and needs a surefire way to tell her dominant if he has crossed one. I have never yet had to use a safeword in a scene, and unless we get into serious boundary-pushing I doubt I will need to use it with him. Still, I would never be okay with not having the option. And, in the event that I haven't mentioned it already, he has no control whatsoever over who my friends are, how often I see them, whether or not I go out, what I eat, how I dress, or what I do with my hair. In these regards I take requests and suggestions, but not demands. How about that? Does that diminish my standing in the eyes of the "BDSM community" as a submissive?

I feel that this entry is somehow incomplete, but I'm not sure how else to say what I mean. I guess it's something along the lines of: In being more-or-less bombarded with ideas about how submissives are supposed to be, I start feeling a half-sense of "UR DOIN IT RONG." And... I really don't think I am. I don't feel like being my own person is incompatible with pursuing a D/s relationship with my boyfriend, and I don't feel like clear discussions of boundaries and comfort zones are in violation of the "who gets to be on top" rule. I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this. And, if there is anything you would like to see expanded on, let me know.

Kai Tri-rotational Symmetry

I already know this isn’t going to be a long post, but I got it into my head that I wanted to write something about triskelions, so it’s probably best to just get it out of my system.

This is something I actually started thinking about way back when DW and I first started exploring the possibility of a relationship. He was talking about how he was thinking of getting one as a tattoo, to indicate his attachment to BDSM, and I couldn’t really figure what the two had to do with each other. This is bearing in mind two things: 1) I had not yet read The Story of O (which will get its own post if I can ever figure out how to put one together), and 2) triskelions are used as symbols of (loosely) everything. Countries, cultures, ideologies, special interest groups… you name it.

Now… there is one triskelion design in particular that has been appropriated by the “BDSM community”* as its own. My understanding is that the design is based on descriptions from the aforementioned The Story of O, though after reading the book I feel it’s mostly a speculative interpretation. (Seeing the design first, I can read the relevant passages and see how they came up with it, but I doubt I would have been able to derive the design from the descriptions provided.) All that aside, though, lots of organizations etc. have triskelion insignias, each one specific in some way, and BDSM is no exception.

But here is the part that interests me: there are those who have come to associate triskelions other than “the” triskelion with BDSM. DW is one: the tattoo that he wants is separate, as is the necklace he wears. I’ve come to view things the same way, for whatever reason, and wear yet another triskelion around my neck. What I have come away with is that any unclaimed design with threefold rotational symmetry (e.g. one that hasn’t been assigned to a country, political party, etc. and so forth) can be used to symbolize anything that contains three aspects. In Japanese shintō, there is no specific triskelion insignia that unifies all shintō shrines (according, at least, to the one priest I spoke to), and even the meaning of the divisions can differ—the two examples that I heard were rice-salt-water and man-woman-God. Basically, any three elements that together comprise life. For those unfamiliar with the BDSM usage, the threefold split corresponds to BD (bondage and discipline), DS (domination and submission), and SM (sadism and masochism). (It might have been completely unnecessary to parse that out, since if anyone reads this it’ll most likely be someone interested in or involved in the scene or lifestyle already, but hey… can’t hurt to mention it.)

I suppose that, in a sense, having a non-specific insignia can be advantageous. People involved in BDSM can wear an “unassigned” triskelion and still feel like they are representing their interests and/or lifestyle without automatically outing themselves to the general public. On the other hand, since triskelions can symbolize so many things, one that isn’t specific to the BDSM community might fail to ping relevant parties… at least outside of conventions, play parties, or similar gatherings.

How is any of this important? In all honesty, it isn’t. Not really. I have a triskelion necklace that I bought with DW, because, among other reasons, I wanted something to make me think of him and be a sort of spiritual companion to his own necklace. I associate it in my mind with whatever place BDSM has in my life, and even if nobody else realizes the symbol’s significance to me, I do. It feels good to wear it around my neck.

*In quotes because in my experience, every community has offshoots and subgroups and fringes, while the bit that is generally recognized as "the community" is basically the core, visible majority. Or, if not the majority, just the most visible aspect. As a case in point, I can't count myself as part of the BDSM community because I have no solid ties to it at this time.

Kai Under the Weather (but not the *whole* time)

I was going to post an entry that I had written up several days ago, but I've decided to save that for tomorrow and instead write up something a bit more... event-appropriate. I don't think there will be any sort of length to this, since I'm a bit tired and have a lot of laundry to fold, but hey, something should get to go here tonight.

I just got to spend five days with DW. We stayed in, we went out, we did movies, we did food, went to the city, got rained on, watched True Blood, played around on the internet, had some really fantastic sex... Even though I managed to be weirdly sick for a couple of days (hence the entry title), I had a great time. There wasn't a lot of kink activity, all told, but I think that was to be expected since my current domicile happens to be my parents' house for the time being. I plan to move back in with DW hopefully within the next three or four weeks, after which point I'm sure the chance to play will more readily present itself, but in the meantime I was really just happy that I got to spend some time with him. It means a lot when a busy partner will take time out of their schedule to spend a few days with you.

The one bit that you could perhaps classify as a kink "activity" (unless you include a certain amount of hair-pulling and other applications of directional force, which I'm sure you could) involved a trip to buy a leash early this afternoon. I've been wanting a leash for a long time... I've always loved how they felt in scenes with other partners, and I like the neck as a control point. DW has pointed out in the past that such a control point warrants a great deal of trust, since the neck is such an integral part of a person's ability to live. He has flirted with it as a control point on me via tugging on collars and necklaces and suchlike, but we have never used a leash before in our scenes together. I don't know how much I like pushing to buy toys that I personally want (I'm new to this whole idea of choosing and buying toys together with a partner, though I find that I do like it), but he was not only amenable but even paid for it.

Now, truth be told, I wasn't very impressed with anything we found on the internet. It's difficult to market or choose a leash through a photograph (I like to touch things), and attempts to find good solid kink shops in the city nearest me met with less than impressive results. As I said in an earlier entry, I like my shops to have a certain degree of seriousness, and the places with online listings seemed to be leaning too heavily on the "naughty novelty" aspect. So instead, we took a trip down to the pet store. I felt a little silly about it, but he assured me that a lot of his friends in the scene got their leashes that way as well. It was really fun for me, browsing the leash rack with him and debating the merits of what we saw. There was a purple one that we really liked the look and feel of, but unfortunately the color wouldn't have gone with anything. There was a black one that we also liked, but I was slightly concerned about how much weight it could take (I am, after all, at least slightly larger than a small dog).

We came away with a red leash that would match my collars (more or less), which he took with him when he left today. I also gave him my collars to take. This is one of the best ways I can say that I am coming back to him.

Kai Under the Lash

The entry I posted this morning wasn't a real feel-good entry, so I'm going to go ahead and post my write-up about why flogging is awesome. Could I wait until tomorrow? Yeah... except I don't want to. And DW will be here. ^_____^

So. I was asked by one of my play partners in college what it was that I took pleasure in: was it in the pain of being flogged, or in withstanding it? Even now, years later, I think this is a very interesting, almost surprisingly insightful question. I don’t know how many people involved in kink think to ask it. I know that I haven’t been asked it by any of my other partners, and I wonder if that’s because it doesn’t dawn on people that there is a difference… or even a significance to the answer. At the time, I had to think for a moment; even as the person getting hit—the person who liked getting hit—I didn’t have an answer off the top of my head. But I found one.

I took my pleasure in withstanding.

I believe that this is still true of me today. It isn’t the physical sensation produced by the impact of leather on skin… it’s the knowledge that my body will hold up under it. But even this is something of an oversimplification, because I think that pain and the ability to withstand pain blend along the edges. Maybe sometimes it is the pain itself that I like. Maybe sometimes I just don’t separate the two that well. But, deep down, I think it’s the withstanding that keeps me coming back. I think there’s something immensely gratifying about being struck and not breaking down. It is a verification of personal strength, even of control. Not control over your dominant, but control over yourself. It creates a rush, makes you feel alive, makes you aware of your own body in a way that’s quite honestly difficult to feel in any other way.

S/M can be about a lot more than pain.

The floggers that DW and I use are the ones that he made himself. They are made of suede cow leather and have numerous, unbraided tails about an inch wide, making both floggers rather thick and heavy. The ends of the tails don’t taper, and the sensation produced when they hit the skin is more of a thud than a sting. This is the kind that I like most. I’m not a huge fan of stinging pain, but any sting that I get from DW’s floggers is cushioned by the number of tails hitting me. There’s almost a comforting aspect to it, if that makes any sense. I know that he doesn’t hit me with full force—he could certainly hit me a lot harder if he wanted to, though I’m glad he doesn’t—but he doesn’t slack off, either. He is careful insofar as gauging how much force is safe to use with me (I’m not very big, and am in fact significantly smaller than he is), but he doesn’t hit me as though he’s afraid that I will break. Basically, even after just two sessions, he knows how much I can take. That’s really important to me… means I don’t have to give a lot of unsolicited advice or pull out my safeword in the middle of a scene. Instead, I can relax and put my trust in him, which as far as I’m concerned is what you should be able to do with any play partner.

(As I’m writing this, DW is telling me about how he wants to make something out of elk hide and find a “good piece of straight cow leather to make something with a little more bite.” I imagine that if this partnership continues to work, we’ll have a few more floggers to play with in not too long.)

This entry would also be an optimal place to share my favorite flogger that I have not yet played with.

If there are any fencing enthusiasts looking at this, they will doubtless be noticing that the handle of this flogger is a pistol-grip foil hilt. It’s the genuine article, too… I acquired it from a fencing friend of mine back in college who only asked after giving it to me what I wanted it for… I told him he didn’t want to know. I then gave the hilt to another friend who makes floggers, and who had in fact already made me one on a previous occasion. What I got back was a 4-tailed cat, black braided leather, certain to pack some bite. I’ve had it for about five years give or take and still haven’t had it used on me… Hopefully that can be changed, if DW is amenable.

Even if it never gets used, though… how cool is it? Seriously. I’m pretty sure nobody else has one of these. (Though now that I’ve gone and put it on the internet someone else will probably go make one.)

All right… this entry definitely went from serious to me getting all bouncy and excited about my toys. That’s probably okay, though. After all, if you aren’t excited about your toys you probably aren’t as kinky as you wish you were.

Kai Standing Under

Something that’s been on my mind the last couple of days: What happens when a submissive loses their dominant? This is an issue I’ve never had much cause to think about, since up until my involvement with DW my play partners were casual and not linked to me in any sort of relationship context.

For the sake of transparency, we can say that one partner was a friend with a fair amount of experience who served as a low-key point of introduction to scene-ing; one was a friend who I loved who I knew (after a point) wouldn’t be staying around for me; one was a friend who I had an interminable, nigh-on unbreakable crush on who I likewise knew I wouldn’t be keeping; and one was a friend with a lot of experience who made me comfortable without expecting anything of me. This is the shortest way to describe what they were to me. In any event, I knew I wasn’t in it for the long-haul with any of them, and even the two I felt very strong feelings towards faded out eventually. I suppose what I mean to say is that, while in those two particular cases I felt a loss, I wasn’t feeling the loss of a dominant. I wasn’t even feeling the loss of a boyfriend, girlfriend, or lover… though it was closer to those. When we talk now, we’re still friends. I haven’t talked kink with either of them in years, but if we did I don’t think I would feel a residual tie there. It would be a conversation—maybe even a “remember when…?”—but really no more than that. I think this is what keeping BDSM play outside of sexual relationships does: it lessens the chances of building a difficult-to-break dependency.

So now, DW and I are a couple. It is a solid, loving, trusting arrangement. We don’t have a long history of scene-ing yet, but the fact that we scene within a relationship and incorporate D/s even outside of the play-space to some extent (with some desire to incorporate more) makes me realize that, if this is not the last relationship I am ever in, I stand to lose both a boyfriend and a dominant when we come out the other side.

Why am I thinking about this? I am thinking about this because recently I learned that a former submissive of his still has very deep feelings for him and didn’t really let go after they ended their relationship. As far as I understand it, it was a D/s tie—i.e. they were lovers, but not boyfriend and girlfriend. And, as I learned, she loved him. Loves him. I hate seeing people with their hearts broken. I know that mine has been broken… more than once. I hope that I won’t have to go through that again. But it made me think… what does it really mean to lose a dominant? To lose someone who you tie yourself to? To lose someone who makes you feel safe and secure? I do not want to go through this. I don’t want to lose someone who I have learned to trust this much. Who has become my safe place. But at the same time, I feel like this is something anyone who breaks up with a boyfriend or girlfriend goes through. I just can’t get my head around what it would be like to have a dominant who is not my significant other, who I sleep with, who I come to love… who eventually decides to go their own way. Find a new submissive, start a relationship, take a break from the lifestyle, whatever. I can only partially appreciate what it is to give yourself to a person who will never care about you the same way you care about them.

The more I try to make this train of thought comprehensible, the more I feel I lose the thread. So I will pare it down and try to say what I mean that way: I am glad that until now I have not tied BDSM play to sex, and that the sex this time is tied to a significant other.

Otherwise, moving on from my former play partners would have been much, much harder.

Kai Under Construction (Second Scene)

I'm totally rocketing ahead of DW, here... He's just finished writing a lead-in to our first scene, and here I am already detailing the second. This is okay, I think. I imagine the things we choose to write about and when will frequently diverge.

The second time DW and I played together was after I once again found myself back in the U.S., this time (as far as projected) for good. We had decided before I left the country in September that, if at all possible, we would like the chance to properly date once I got back, and over the course of the next few months we found ways to talk almost every day. What began as a scene invitation was starting to look more and more like an actual potential relationship, and the idea of actually dating a scene partner kept looking more and more desirable to me. I still wasn’t certain how much I would be comfortable integrating D/s dynamic into our interactions beyond play—am still not completely certain, as everything about this situation is without precedent in my life—but the potential was exciting.

To make what is actually a very long story very short, after arriving back in the U.S. I temporarily moved into his apartment. The intention was to see how well we would work together. In large part because we were still feeling out how the basic relationship parts of a relationship would work with us (i.e. all of the more-or-less vanilla aspects that more-or-less everyone deals with when kicking off a new relationship), we only managed to set up one scene while I was there.

It was on the night before I left.

The timing probably should have made it sad, but it didn’t. Not really. He had bought me some lingerie earlier in the evening, which I modeled for him. He liked it. He smiled and kissed me. He has a beautiful smile, and when he smiles he smiles at me. I’ve never been one for fancy undergarments, but I think they could be worth it if they bring that smile out of him. He tied me to a chair and ran ice over my skin until I screamed and tried to get away. The chair is tall enough that my feet can’t touch the ground, and my legs were tied so that my feet rested on the support bars about 6” to 1’ off the floor. My hands were behind the back of the chair. Getting away was definitely not going to happen. He let the pinwheel sit in the bowl of ice, so that when he ran it over me the pins felt sharp and cold. He lit a votive and dripped the wax onto my thighs… though less-than-optimal candle engineering meant we couldn’t get much wax out of it without the flame extinguishing itself. I still had cold water trickling down my body from the ice when he led me over to the support pole near the table and tied me to it. I could move back about two or three feet from the pole, and the knots were strong enough that I could lean back and let them support me. DW thought I should stop enjoying this so much—I was kind of swinging back and forth, because playing with inertia is fun—so he added another tie that effectively limited my side-to-side motion. Then, flogging. This time, I was quiet under the blows. My body absorbed them as they came down. They felt good. They felt right. I think DW was somewhat amused by the lack of noise coming out of my mouth, but I have a rule against faking responses. I think that more people should have this rule.

As with the time before, the flogging was the last part of the scene. It was a relatively simple scene, and again I did not enter sub-space, but I felt satisfied with it. He led me to the couch and held me in his lap, against his chest. He kissed me and took off my panties and pulled my hips down to him. We had sex in the afterglow of the scene… still not integrated, but closer than the two have ever been for me.

Our play history together is not long. It is not epic. It is not complex. But this is what we are building up from, now, and it is good. We are geographically separated now, but soon we will be together again, and from there we can continue to pursue this thing that we have. I greatly look forward to whatever will come next. I greatly look forward to the day when sex and play can happen in the same space.

Kai Unimpressed: Philosophies #2

I am not extremely career-minded as an individual. This and my current lack of a job allow me a certain amount of not-worriedness regarding how “out” I am about my kink side. I don’t go around telling old ladies on the bus that I like it when my dominant ties me to a pole and flogs me until my tattoo ink raises up out of my skin and he can feel the pattern against his hand, but I do tend to hang my collars and floggers on the wall and answer direct questions when they’re put to me. If someone I know starts having a discussion about pinwheels or shibari, I’ll probably find a way to join in. Selectivity combined with openness is a good mix for me, and as long as I can gauge my audience I don’t feel a whole lot of concern in regards to, for example, potential career damage due to questionable personal character.

I count myself, in this regard, reasonably lucky. I don’t really believe that I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life reading and drawing and writing whenever I want, but I also don’t see myself in any sort of high-power career position where a reputation as a BDSM kink could get me fired or invalidated. Some people really aren’t that lucky. My partner isn’t that lucky. If he were outed at work, it would more than likely damage his standing in his field.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just not right.

It’s fair enough to say that what two people do in the bedroom shouldn’t be anyone else’s business but the people involved. (Which is a funny thing to say when one is writing a blog like this, but just run with it for now.) I mean, you might share your sex stories with your friends and whatnot, but you most likely wouldn’t tell the guy running your board meeting about your sweet new vibrator that looks like a big freakin’ sea monster or whatever. (Note: I do not own such a vibrator, but would probably not mind if I did.) Here’s the point: being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, or anything else regarding one’s sexuality and/or gender identity has nothing to do with one’s ability as a person to do their job. The same is true for being, for example, a dominant, a submissive, a sadist, or a masochist. Whatever one’s kink is, it does not impair one’s ability to perform a job. Sure, there are probably some BDSM practitioners out there who are a bit unhinged. But you know… there are plenty of vanilla people who are unhinged, too. If you function as part of society and part of a workplace, what is it that changes if your boss suddenly finds out that on the weekends you like to put your girlfriend in a rope harness, drip hot wax on her legs, and flog her? Perception. Your work will be the same the next day. The appropriateness of your dress will be the same the next day. The seriousness with which you approach your job will be the same the next day.

And yet.

I’m not really meaning to stand on a soap-box here. I don’t want to be politicking. But… I really hate the idea that my partner could get in trouble at work if his bosses or coworkers found out about his kinky side. DW is very good at his chosen profession, extremely intelligent, and demonstrably dedicated. And it isn’t fair that he should even have to worry about not getting taken seriously as a professional because of his sexual proclivities.

I love my dominant. I hate that, in this regard, he is restrained.

[DW's blog hasn't been working since yesterday. Which is pretty annoying, since he's got a nice long post all lined up... Not cool, universe, not cool.]

Kai Under Observation (First Scene)

An excerpt from Kai’s personal journal, 8/23/09:

When I think about this week, it is less linear and more a set of impressions. We are in bed together, laughing. I’m tied to a $1000 table, bound shibari-style and being tortured until I think I will die. I am feeling leather cracking across my back as E Nomine drowns my voice. I am curled up in his lap with a collar—my collar—locked around my neck. He is massaging oil into my back. I’m naked under a blanket and we’re curled up on the couch together watching X-Men 3. We sleep late. We hold each other in the dark and have sex in the morning.

The first time DW and I played was predicated on a half-serious exchange over the internet when we were on opposite ends of the world. I had not been sexually attracted to him in college and never would have seen him as a play partner, but our recent conversations had indicated that over the years he had accumulated a collection of both toys and experiences, and it was more difficult to not be interested than to say yes to the offer. Additionally, I liked the idea of playing with someone who knew what they were doing; I had played with an inexperienced domme before, and though I had enjoyed it I had not had enough trust in her abilities for me to completely relax. There is a difference between trusting your partner and trusting that they know what they’re doing. I didn’t know how far I would be comfortable going in a scene with DW, but over the course of our conversations I decided that at least he knew how to run a scene and use the toys and tools in his arsenal. The invitation was in April. The play-date was set for August.

I returned to the U.S. at the end of July and spent a few weeks visiting friends in various cities. On one of these occasions, a friend and I went together to a favorite kink store of mine. I like my kink stores to have a certain amount of seriousness to them, and this place—a BDSM shop filled with durable leather goods—fit the bill. I wasn’t there for any real purpose, but in the end I bought a new collar. Thick, soft leather, red and black, built to be used. Three O-rings and a place to put a lock. This is the collar in the photo. DW and I did not buy it together, and so it was more my collar than anyone else’s, but I decided that I would bring it with me when I went to see him.

My visit to DW’s place lasted a week. A day or two before we had our scene, we surprised ourselves again by beginning a sexual relationship. This is significant, since as I’ve said before I’ve never had a play partner who was also a sexual partner. But here we were with this plan to run a scene together, and yet we ended up having sex first.

This could have been a disaster. It wasn’t. Nothing was awkward afterwards, no plans were shelved, and the next day he showed me his collection of toys. He had just moved, and all of his gear was still housed in a large, black duffel bag. Out came the leather floggers, which he had made himself—three in all, one quite long, one a bit less so, and one very small to be used on the inner thighs. Out came the dragon-tail whip, also home-made—a single, unbraided tail designed to sting. Out came cuffs for wrists and ankles, pinwheels, scarves. Lengths of white rope. A blindfold. Nipple clamps. A vibrator. And there was a box, locked. That was the violet wand and all its attachments, which frightened me; he held my hand and showed me how it worked, and though it still made me uncomfortable I could appreciate what it was for. He put the box away. I named it the Tesla Box.

Not many of these were used the night that we played. We didn’t know each other as scene partners, and even with cumulative hours of discussion behind us we still had to feel each other out. We both had experience, but we were new to each other, which made this a beginning scene. He took my collar—he liked it—and locked it around my neck. From then on, I came to think of it as our collar… even though I had bought it independent of him. I figured if this was the only time we ever played I could wear the collar ornamentally afterwards, but doubted I would do another scene with it. It was still my collar, but in locking it on me he claimed it a little bit, too. Clothing had been a matter of some debate in the initial stages; however, in light of the unexpected turn our relationship to each other had taken, it no longer seemed at all awkward to strip down to panties in front of him. He tied me into a rope harness—a simple diamond pattern—and showed me how a vibrator tucked into the rope on my stomach would send vibrations all the way down to the knot between my legs. He tied me down on the table and let the vibrator run while he covered my eyes with scarves and teased me with the pinwheel and his lips and teeth. He told me about how he liked to observe me. Learn me. I will always like this about him, how he will gauge a partner in order to understand what they like, then give or withhold as he sees fit. It is an informed give-and-take; what I do and don’t receive from him is a controlled distribution of information that he has put the time into gathering. Everyone should be so lucky, to have a partner who can do this.

When he was satisfied with what was accomplished on the table, he tied me to a chair, breasts against the wood, and flogged me. I have always liked flogging. It’s probably the thing I like best in BDSM play. I will probably write an entry entirely dedicated to flogging, but because I am clearly not very good at telling brief stories I will save it for another occasion. Sometimes, I am very quiet when being struck. Not this time. I shouted at each impact, and was glad for the music that was playing (though I had doubts that it would completely mask my voice). Sometimes he would stop and stroke my back and my face. I would rest my head against him. And then the blows would resume.

He laid me down on the floor when we were done. He put scented oil in a bowl and massaged it into my back. I didn’t quite enter sub-space with him—he was too new a partner, and I had been learning over the past few years not to hand over complete trust too quickly—but it was still calming to be held afterwards. Necessary. We curled up on the couch and picked a stupid-but-fun movie to watch and made our way back to real-people-world.

I slept next to him and knew that he would be there when I woke up.

During the week I was there, we played only this one time. Leaving, when the week was up, was punishingly difficult.

When I went back to Japan a few weeks later, it was worse.

Philosophies of Kai #1

Yesterday, we talked history. Today, I want to talk philosophies. Specifically, philosophies that I have regarding BDSM and D/s relationships. Not all of these are fully formed, as my experience has been somewhat sporadic over the last eight years, and I will almost certainly add more to them over the course of this blog. Also, a lot of what I’m going to address relates to discussions that my partner and I have had over the last several months. In truth, he has thus far been extremely instrumental in helping me figure out what I do and don’t like in D/s situations… both inside and outside of scenes.

The other day, DW (which is the easiest thing to call my partner here, since Doctor Master Sir is kind of overtly silly and takes too long to type) was talking to me about “canon.” For whatever reason, it never dawned on me that BDSM would have a canon (or two, or three). I’ve found that many people I know who are into kink share certain commonalities, but the word “canon” carries a weight of specificity that I almost found out-of-place. The aspect that we were talking about specifically was the use of capitalization when referring to one’s dominant or submissive in text; apparently, there are many who believe that the dominant’s name and all of his/her personal pronouns should begin with capital letters, and submissives should always be referred to in the lower-case. I can see the logic in this, but it isn’t something I subscribe to. Perhaps I will in the future, but for now I won’t be referring to DW as Him and I doubt he will be referring to me as kai. The idea, right now, is alien.

Another time, he told me about submissives who will submit to anyone who asks them to, because they see it as their role and how they should respond to (more or less) everyone. This, too, is not me. In my (allegedly) Brief History, I mentioned that at one time I considered myself a switch because I didn’t really feel like taking my submissive tendencies outside of the scene space. This is perhaps less true than it once was—I have less of a conceptual problem being submissive to DW to some degree outside of play—but the reason I am submissive to him isn’t based on some idea that that is my natural place in regards to other human beings. I am not his submissive because he told me that that’s how it was going to be. I am not his submissive because I want somebody to abuse me, walk on me, and push me down. He has my respect because he deserves it from me. He has my trust because he has earned it from me. I am open to him because he opens himself to me. What I give to him, he finds a way to give back. In fact, our collective pet name for each other is “Mine.” I will not be shared or borrowed without the full consent of everyone involved… including myself. (And, as DW said once, “Expecting me to let you borrow my submissive is like expecting me to let you walk off with my TV. I’m not gonna give you my TV and tell you you can do whatever you want with it as long as you bring it back in three days! Why would I let you do that with my sub?”) In short? Being his submissive doesn’t make me anyone else’s. He has earned his position above me, and I believe that we trust each other more for that.

It is much, much easier to put yourself under the control of someone who makes you feel safe. DW is my safe place. It’s taken a while to build that safe place. And, for that, it is stronger.

Along the same lines, I don’t subscribe to the thought that the submissive exists exclusively for the pleasure of their dominant. To me, such a thing results in the reduction of a person. A de-complexification, if you will. If anyone reading this *does* subscribe to this mode of thought, I sincerely hope that you don’t take my personal views on it as an attack. Very simply, the idea is not for me. I am not ready (will I ever be?) to reduce myself to something that serves only to please my partner. I am more than this. So, though I may do as I am told, kneel for him, submit to him, make myself available when he asks, it is not all that I am. I feel this distinction is important to make. I feel it is important for me to not lose myself inside this relationship; a dominant and a submissive will grow together, but they can do this and still be who they were to begin with. The dynamic is significant, but it is not all.

Do you follow?

We spent a long time talking about this, he and I. When I have more thoughts on the matter, they’ll be here. And believe me… there will be more thoughts. I always have more thoughts.

A Brief History of Kai

I will say this as my introduction: I have never had a blog. Journals, yes. Websites. Thought-depositories. These are not new ideas. But here I am, starting something new, and it's hard decide what to begin with.

An explanation, then. A mission statement. This blog is here to follow me into the first relationship I've ever had that contains solid components of BDSM. I don't wish to mislead; this is not to say that I have never been involved in BDSM before, that I've never been part of a scene, that I've never experienced the dynamic. However, in my personal past, kink and relationships--or even kink and sex--have for the most part remained separate entities. For the first time, I am integrating. And, for whatever reason, I have decided that this is an experience to be shared.

It bears mentioning that the intent of Kai Under Ground is not to be a source of erotica. Rather, it is a chronicle of events, philosophies, and experiences. Perhaps this is something that doesn't need to be said. Can't hurt, though... saying "This is not porn!" from the get-go means I won't have to say it later. In theory, anyway.

But for this to begin properly at all, I need to set down a history. People are, after all, a sum of their past experiences, and things I do now can only make more sense in light of things that have already happened. I started learning about kink in my first year of college, as part of a kink/BDSM club on campus. I didn't really know what I was doing there, but I went with a friend who really wanted to go, and for some reason or another it clicked. Not right away, necessarily... more like winding a clock, where it takes a little while to get it going, but once everything is aligned correctly it runs. This is where I picked up the essentials of play: setting down ground rules, setting a safeword, trying new things responsibly, where to hit and where not to hit. To use paraffin wax instead of beeswax so that I wouldn't get burned. To make sure I could move all of my joints when I was tied, so that I wouldn't lose circulation. To trust my partner.

The club was a discussion group of equals (more or less), some of whom had more experience than others, some of whom were more interested in learning than practicing. They threw invitation-only play parties on a few occasions, and other friends of mine threw their own even more selective parties in their dorms. I had a few play partners during those four years, none of whom was a significant other. We laid a lot of ground-rules, and in most cases the play stayed relatively non-sexual as we were not in sexual relationships with each other. This was all right for me. At the time, I considered myself a switch who just happened to spend all of my time on the submissive end of play. I figured this to be true because I did not consider my non-play personality to be particularly submissive. I wouldn't say that I was particularly dominant in the day-to-day either, but I liked my control and I never felt like submitting to my partners overmuch outside of our scenes. I was very careful, particularly in my first year, to delineate: play is play... everything else is separate; I will not submit to you outside of a scene, and you will not expect me to or ask it of me.

Perhaps it is also of significance that until I had been at college for the better part of a year, I didn't like to be touched by people I wasn't very, very comfortable with. This has changed since then, but probably wouldn't have if it weren't for garnering a very physical group of friends who taught me to do things like lie in a big pile of people on the floor and give thoroughly unnecessary amounts of hugs. In play, it was a rule of mine for a long while that I had to remain fully clothed below the waist. I was a virgin who wasn't good at the whole dating/relationship thing, and the way I played with my friends--even after they trained a lot of the physical apprehension out of me--strongly reflected that.

I said earlier that kink tended to remain separate from sex and relationships, which is perhaps the most important thing I can say in this history. The play partners I had in school were not the people I dated or the people I slept with. In fact, my first college boyfriend had an extremely strong aversion to BDSM activities--even just light bondage--and in the years after graduation I never once ended up with a sexual partner with any kind of tangible kink side. In a nutshell, I would ask the person I was with if they had any kinks or fetishes, they would shrug and say that they didn't, and I would let it lie. I didn't *need* kink in order to enjoy sex, and so I filed it away in the part of my brain that had to do with things-from-college-that-were-fun-but-are-no-longer-relevant.

And then my current partner brought it all back.

He is, as it happens, someone from my college years... but not someone who was at all affiliated with my kink circle. I didn't learn until years later--when I was on the other end of the world, no less--that he even had an interest, and our "innocent" conversations about sex toys and BDSM gear made me realize suddenly that I missed having it in my life. Sure, I didn't need it, but having it re-framed and re-presented to me made me wish that I could have it back. He asked if when we saw each other again I would like to scene with him.

I don't think either of us expected me to say yes.

Shows how much we knew.

So here is where I stand now: I am a submissive. For the first time in several years, I have a boyfriend. He is also my dominant. I am learning, somewhat slowly, what it means to not only maintain a single play partner (as opposed to playing with someone new each time), but what it means for that play partner to also be one's significant other. (I am, for that matter, learning what it means to maintain a boyfriend, as this has been neither a trend nor a strong point for me in the past.) He has had D/S relationships before; I have not. He has a deeper history with kink than I do. And... here we are.

This is Kai Under Ground.

(For those who wish to follow my partner as well, take a look at his blog over at http://deepthoughtsandjournies.blogspot.com/)