Kai Underfoot - Addendum

My last entry inspired some interesting discussion between DW and myself, largely revolving around the safeword issue. I asked him if I could post it, since maybe there are people out there who would find it useful; it's cut down a bit to keep it all relevant and eliminate conversational detritus (like when you send texts simultaneously and momentarily miss what the other person was saying, etc.), but not edited beyond that. This is probably a good example of the types of talks we have with each other and the ways in which we agree and disagree. I like it when we get to talk through things like this, and I hope that someone finds this useful.

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DW: I agree with a lot of what you said about earning your place as a dom.

Me: ::nod:: Anything you didn’t agree with?

DW: Yes. Some made me wonder. Mostly about how you will deal with limits. Also it is a form of edge play to remove a safeword for a period of time usually very short period.

Me: Well, we talked a little about limit pushing before, but we didn’t reach any solid conclusions about it. And removing the safeword I’m not cool with.

DW: Just saying people do it and it is accepted in the lifestyle to remove one for a short period.

Me: Yeah, well. What I’m against on principle is dominants who remove it completely. For me, I don’t want to do that form of edge play.

DW: Yes I know I was just saying that it isn’t as bad as you made it seem.

Me: You don’t think the catchphrase is a little much?

DW: What catch phrase?

Me: That a sub with a safeword is a domme on her knees.

DW: Depends on how it is used honestly. Because it can be.

Me: Can be what?

DW: It can be much but it can also be really accurate.

Me: *sigh* I don’t understand how it could be accurate.

DW: A safeword is there to keep you safe and sane not to allow you control of a scene and you know that.

Me: Well… yeah. But I don’t like that there’s a tagline running around that can be used to imply that all subs will do that.

DW: Easy, if a submissive uses their safeword when they just don’t like an activity and not when they feel unsafe or when a boundary is crossed then they are being a Domme or topping through use of a safeword. Saying a safeword can be used that way is true.

Me: Can be. But again… that line encourages thought in that direction.

DW: True, and statements like that come with the mainstreaming of BDSM.

Me: How so?

DW: Ok well with mainstreaming has come a lot of mis-conceptions on BDSM

Me: ::nod::

DW: I mean there has been an influx of people that think that Doms are about controlling your partner. We have had talks in __________ about trying to flag down Doms that don't know what they are doing.

Me: I think what it comes down to is that that specific quote encourages the removal of the safeword as convention, and while individual couples may choose to do so it isn't a good thing to preach to the masses. In the scene or out.

DW: You know what though, I think the most important aspects of BDSM don't require a safeword. A safeword would never help.

Me: ::nodnod:: That's fair. I just really hate the idea of a submissive being not safe because their dominant decided that safewords were for closet tops or whatever.

DW: It is never something I would ever suggest to a starter couple or really to anyone. Once again you need to know the rules before you bend or break them.

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Many thanks to DW for letting me post this.