Philosophies of Kai #1

Yesterday, we talked history. Today, I want to talk philosophies. Specifically, philosophies that I have regarding BDSM and D/s relationships. Not all of these are fully formed, as my experience has been somewhat sporadic over the last eight years, and I will almost certainly add more to them over the course of this blog. Also, a lot of what I’m going to address relates to discussions that my partner and I have had over the last several months. In truth, he has thus far been extremely instrumental in helping me figure out what I do and don’t like in D/s situations… both inside and outside of scenes.

The other day, DW (which is the easiest thing to call my partner here, since Doctor Master Sir is kind of overtly silly and takes too long to type) was talking to me about “canon.” For whatever reason, it never dawned on me that BDSM would have a canon (or two, or three). I’ve found that many people I know who are into kink share certain commonalities, but the word “canon” carries a weight of specificity that I almost found out-of-place. The aspect that we were talking about specifically was the use of capitalization when referring to one’s dominant or submissive in text; apparently, there are many who believe that the dominant’s name and all of his/her personal pronouns should begin with capital letters, and submissives should always be referred to in the lower-case. I can see the logic in this, but it isn’t something I subscribe to. Perhaps I will in the future, but for now I won’t be referring to DW as Him and I doubt he will be referring to me as kai. The idea, right now, is alien.

Another time, he told me about submissives who will submit to anyone who asks them to, because they see it as their role and how they should respond to (more or less) everyone. This, too, is not me. In my (allegedly) Brief History, I mentioned that at one time I considered myself a switch because I didn’t really feel like taking my submissive tendencies outside of the scene space. This is perhaps less true than it once was—I have less of a conceptual problem being submissive to DW to some degree outside of play—but the reason I am submissive to him isn’t based on some idea that that is my natural place in regards to other human beings. I am not his submissive because he told me that that’s how it was going to be. I am not his submissive because I want somebody to abuse me, walk on me, and push me down. He has my respect because he deserves it from me. He has my trust because he has earned it from me. I am open to him because he opens himself to me. What I give to him, he finds a way to give back. In fact, our collective pet name for each other is “Mine.” I will not be shared or borrowed without the full consent of everyone involved… including myself. (And, as DW said once, “Expecting me to let you borrow my submissive is like expecting me to let you walk off with my TV. I’m not gonna give you my TV and tell you you can do whatever you want with it as long as you bring it back in three days! Why would I let you do that with my sub?”) In short? Being his submissive doesn’t make me anyone else’s. He has earned his position above me, and I believe that we trust each other more for that.

It is much, much easier to put yourself under the control of someone who makes you feel safe. DW is my safe place. It’s taken a while to build that safe place. And, for that, it is stronger.

Along the same lines, I don’t subscribe to the thought that the submissive exists exclusively for the pleasure of their dominant. To me, such a thing results in the reduction of a person. A de-complexification, if you will. If anyone reading this *does* subscribe to this mode of thought, I sincerely hope that you don’t take my personal views on it as an attack. Very simply, the idea is not for me. I am not ready (will I ever be?) to reduce myself to something that serves only to please my partner. I am more than this. So, though I may do as I am told, kneel for him, submit to him, make myself available when he asks, it is not all that I am. I feel this distinction is important to make. I feel it is important for me to not lose myself inside this relationship; a dominant and a submissive will grow together, but they can do this and still be who they were to begin with. The dynamic is significant, but it is not all.

Do you follow?

We spent a long time talking about this, he and I. When I have more thoughts on the matter, they’ll be here. And believe me… there will be more thoughts. I always have more thoughts.