Kai's Compendium of Casual Kink

A couple of posts ago, DW referred to me as a "casual kink." After reading the post, I learned that, though he stood by classifying me that way, he expected me to feel insulted by it. He didn't want me to feel insulted, but figured that I would be. So then I started thinking... why would I be insulted by it? Comparatively speaking, DW has a lot more experience in the kink scene than I do. He's had stable play partners who have lasted on the order of a few months, and tried out actual "kink relationships." And it's very true what he says: that I've had a number of play partners, none of whom did I scene with often. And, as I've said time and again, I've never integrated kink into a relationship.

So... all of these things are true. And yet, there was this idea that I would take the remark about being a "casual kink" badly. So I thought: why would that be? Granted, it's not as though I've never taken anything the wrong way before. I've been getting better over the last several years, but I'd be kidding myself if I said I'd never been affronted by something that wasn't at all meant to offend. But I think, when you get down to it, being a "casual" anything is often perceived in the spheres of the experienced as... well, not worth much. If you read a graphic novel every now and then, you'll probably still be scoffed at by your friend who has shelves of them and can recite entire comic book chronologies to you... not to mention which artists worked on it for what years and which writers were really good versus those who (in their personal opinion) ran whatever series into the ground, etc. If you read a couple of books on neuroscience and try to apply what you know, someone who actually has familiarity with it might commend the effort, but ultimately make it clear that you don't actually know what you're talking about. Go on a study abroad to Thailand and suddenly realize that even though you have now officially spent more time there than most Americans (in the case that you yourself are American... if not, insert nationality here), you've got nothing on the career expats who have been living there for the pasts 10-20 years. This applies to, basically, everything. A "casual" interest in/relationship to something carries around a certain degree of n00b status that can feel really tough to shake... even if that casual interest/relationship has been part of your life for several years.

In the case of me and kink, I personally don't feel as though I deserve n00b status. The "casual" label? Sure. After all, I haven't ever done scenes with the same partner more than twice, and I definitely haven't ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend with whom I shared any sort of kink dynamic. I'm not on any message boards, have never been to a kink club (was offered a membership once, but I didn't have a partner at the time and didn't want to go by myself), and just don't have a foothold anywhere in what could be considered "the scene," online or off. However, I feel that the level of awareness that I have regarding kink should be enough to wipe off the n00b-ness. Or... I would very much hope so. But it's just such a tricky thing, because hey... there's lots of stuff I haven't done. So perhaps at best I can say that I've more or less established myself as a casual kink, but as a non-casual kink I'm still totally n00b-tastic. Then again, if I were to stay involved with kink but never move beyond a casual relationship with the kink world, would I always carry some form of n00b status around with me? Would there be a certain level of acknowledgement that I would simply never attain? And would it really matter to me?

Superficially, I think it would. If there's something I've been doing for a few years, even if just at a surface level, I chafe at being treated like a novice. I'd rather have a reputation and image based on the things that I have done rather than the things that I haven't. Though I wasn't able to hold onto kink in my life after college, having it offered back to me as a prospect has meant a lot to me. It was like having a light switched on after a spell in the dark. Because of the place it holds for me, I know I wouldn't like it if someone more hardcore than me gave me the patronizing, "D'awwwwww, Kai's trying to be kinky... how cute!" It sort of... diminishes what I have and what I'm in the process of building for myself. Perhaps what I am trying to say is that there are some casual kinks to whom their brand of kink isn't a novelty, frivolity, or naughty experiment; rather, the casualness might result from the type of balance they wish to maintain with the rest of what makes up their life, or from personal limits, or from simply the level of interest that they have.

A relevant digression: DW once told me that he'd really like the amount of kink between us to be more than once a weekend or once every other weekend. The last time I stayed with him, I knew that I definitely wanted more than that. It was a mutual bit of misfortune that, on account of long work hours and other factors, he didn't actually feel like playing as often as I did. Hence, we only had one scene together during that time. This was sad for me, because in my mind I was rolling around to the conclusion that I'm more than a weekender. I don't know how much more, because I have not yet been offered a solid opportunity to find out. I can make every mental composite in the world, but until I have the compatible experiences I can't come to a solid conclusion. DW will sometimes ask about how much I want to give to a kink relationship, and the only real answer I can give is, well, I don't know yet because I haven't been able to see what it feels like. I know that I want to play more than once every eight weeks. I know that I like it when his dom personality comes out, even when we're not in a directly sexual context. I know that he has a voice that, when he uses it, comforts me and holds me to him. I know that sometimes I want much more than what I have had the opportunity to experience.

But for all of this rambling on the topic, I can look at my experience to date and say, "Yeah... I'm casual right now." And that's a pretty accurate statement. I'm casual right now. Maybe in some time that isn't "right now," I'll move into a different phase of it. Maybe after I've moved back in with DW we'll be able to explore more possibilities and I'll see how much farther--if at all, though I imagine it will at least be some--I want to take it. Maybe it turns out that I stay around the same level, and if this is what happens then I hope he will still keep me. Or maybe it turns out that I learn to integrate more and more D/s into my life and move closer to where he seems to be. Maybe past that.

This entire entry has been a very fancy way of saying: I don't know... but that's okay.

And if you're someone like me who doesn't totally know yet, either... it's okay for you, too.